I am recently reminded of someone who arrived in my life about three years ago. She was not someone that special, actually. But wait, she was supposed to be! And deservingly so! After all, she was my *swallowing saliva* girlfriend.

I do not really know how to begin this. Either I was too green about the abstract thing called love or I was just being a total jerk. But anyway, what would you do if a girl is always misbehaving whenever you are around? What would you do if your love radar keeps on beeping to tell you that she is at least 80% attracted to you? Come on, you are bound to solve it by yourself whether the remaining 20% is the right piece of puzzle to fit in what you already have or that the 80% is a sign of an exhausted love radar in need of immediate lubrication at your local garage/workshop. To keep it short, curiousity would be waltzing in your mind. Basically, that is what I did as well. So I lured the fish to my bait through a conversation via short messaging service and I got her to express that she was falling in love with me. I think that it was more of an innocent (and misguided) puppy love than the one dealing with passion and commitment, but what can you expect? She was around 14 years old back then (I bet JoJo had no clue what she was singing about when she debuted with “Leave (Get Out)”). And for adolescents, puppy love practically counts. I repeat, it counts!

Okay, now that the girl has asked you to be in a romantic relationship with her, what would you do? A wise man might choose to put it on hold while keep on developing a regular relationship before he would assume that they belong together. At the very least, he might want to ask his deepest heart whether he loves her in return or not. Well, I did ask myself to know if I loved her as much as she did. Being a dumb teenager, however, I got no precise answer to my question. First of all, she was the one who demanded for the relationship. I have to admit that it was hard to evaluate how I felt about her. Stuff like this actually needs time to be comprehended. Second, I was certainly intrigued by her. How could I not care when I was well-awared of her feeling on me? Besides, is it not nice to know that someone is in love with you? Am I particularly sinful to have a positive emotional response on someone who loves me for free (regardless whether it is puppy love or true love)? Maybe not. Okay, so I finally approved the relationship without really being sure about my own feeling. I thought that I would learn to love her as we continued our relationship. Man, how wrong I was! To make things worse, I decided that only a few selected people were allowed to know about us. Geez, what the hell was I thinking? Perhaps I was not ready yet to be open about our relationship, but that is not an excuse. If you are not ready yet for something, then do not go for it. What is the point of dating somebody if nobody shall know?

At the end of the day, both of us felt really uncomfortable. I tried, but I was unable to treat her properly like a girl of mine. Although we did go for lunch and stuffs, there was no real desire to share the times together. It was more of a tedious routine that I did simply because I had to. I had my own limitations, of course, and I was not used to being compelled that way (despite that it was, uh, my own fault). Unsurprisingly, the break-up was inevitable. I was the one who suggested it and she was inclined to it, although I was able to sense that she was somehow reluctant (anyway, she went on to date with another man about a month later, now what did I say about her love being the innocent puppy type one? PS. And she left him within the range of months as well, perhaps even weeks, but that is a whole different story, fellow readers!).

Recently, I came in contact with her again (and that is the exact reason why this post existed at the first place). She seems to have changed, but I am yet to decide whether it is a massive change of personality or just a teensy-weensy bit and whether it is for the better or the worse. Oh well, I forgot to mention how her behaviour was three years ago. Despite my description of her being inclined to accept the break-up and stuffs, believe me, she was anything but well-behaved. She was rather childish back then, to the extent of immaturity. But so was I! What right do I have to complain, then? Based on a brief chat we had via an online messenger service, I guess that she is nicer now. She seems to have growned herself up. What a way to get in touch back with an ex-girlfriend!

Looking back, I regard our relationship as an utter failure. I know that the girl I mention on this post might be reading this blog one day. Well, I have to tell you that this is really what I think about it. But I beg you not to feel upset! I respect whatever we had and I will never regret anything that has happened. The past is in the past and I am not going to make a big fuss over it. There shall be no hard feeling between us at all. I truly appreciate your existence and I am grateful for the whole experience that you brought into my life. I sincerely wish we can be good acquaintances again.

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